I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
she peed on how many people?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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