She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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