The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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