I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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