I'm jealous of your bromance
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
