Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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