i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize