dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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