He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
