remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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