My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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