I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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