you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
