This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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