Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
