Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
she smelled like a LAN party
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
