I think my fart just growled at me.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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