I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
