I just threw up on my dentist
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
