I faked an abortion last night.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
