If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
