battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
