I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
