I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
