conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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