Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
