at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
