if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
you made out with another girl for some wings
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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