508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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