There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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