Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize