Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize