I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
