This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
