if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
