WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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