What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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