What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize