I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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