Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
