I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I got inside last night via doggy door
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
