I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
