is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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