I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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