I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
