i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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