She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
