I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize