she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
