I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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