I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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