Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize