On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
