If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
