We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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