I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
