The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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