I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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