I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
