I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
