its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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